


Questions

by myfeelingsareintense



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Biphobia, Canon Divergence, Depression, Fluff, Homophobia, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Panic Attacks, also i don't really reference alex getting shot in this sooooo, and alex opens up to him, in which justin sleeps on alex's floor, let's just pretend that didn't exactly happen, this takes place a few months after the tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13895649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfeelingsareintense/pseuds/myfeelingsareintense
Summary: Ever since the tapes, Alex has been struggling with anxiety and depression. And now he can't stop questioning his sexuality, all thanks to the boy who sleeps on his floor most nights.Alex can't sleep, but at least he can take comfort in Justin's presence.





	Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this fic takes places after the tapes, but Alex getting shot isn't really referenced in here. So for the sake of this fic, let's just assume that didn't happen. Enjoy!

There were some things you couldn’t ask people. Alex knew that, and he respected it. There were certain questions he had about Justin that he couldn’t just ask out loud. Questions like, “Why did you cover up what happened with Jessica?” and “Why do you never sleep at home?” He couldn’t ask these questions because he knew that Justin probably didn’t want to talk about them, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answers. 

 

But there were some nights, like tonight, when Justin was pretending to be sleeping on his bedroom floor and Alex was watching his bedside clock tick, he felt the questions threatening to slip out of his mouth. They kept repeating around and around his head. He licked his lips, feeling the words dancing around on his tongue. Justin made a small shuffling noise, taking a deep inhale. Alex knew that he wasn’t asleep because when Justin slept, he made soft snoring sounds. Alex teased him about it sometimes, but Justin never believed him until one night he took a video of Justin’s gentle snoring. Justin promptly stole Alex’s phone out of his hand and deleted the video before Alex could get it back. He didn’t really care about the video, though. He probably would’ve deleted it later anyways. He just loved the satisfaction of getting under Justin’s skin. He couldn’t describe it, but he always found himself wanting to catch the attention of the brunette boy who slept on his floor.

 

Part of Alex felt bad. He knew that the floor couldn’t be comfortable. He would’ve offered up his family’s air mattress, but after about a week of Justin sleeping over, his mom made an awkward comment about how much longer Justin was planning to stay, so nowadays, he snuck in through Alex’s window after his parents went to bed. Once, Alex offered to sleep on the floor instead, but Justin immediately got uncomfortable and adamantly turned down the offer. Sometimes Alex got the feeling that Justin felt like he owed Alex something for letting him sleep there. Like he had some debt to repay. He couldn’t figure out whether that guilt was stemming from the tapes or if he just felt like he had to repay Alex for giving him a roof to sleep under. He hoped it wasn’t the latter. 

 

The truth was, he’d grown to find solace in Justin’s presence at night. It was comforting. Especially since the tapes came out, he’d been having trouble sleeping. There had been more than one night where Justin woke him up from a vivid nightmare. It was another one of those things they just didn’t talk about.

 

He didn’t mind keeping some things to himself. He knew Justin was the same way. But sometimes the distance between them felt too far away, especially because most of the time, they slept only a few feet from each other. He’d seen Justin hilarious bedhead in the early mornings before he snuck back out. Justin had seen his embarrassing collection of fluffy pajamas. He’d even seen the childhood blanket he still refused to sleep without. It was ratty and ugly and old, but Justin had just smirked. “It’s cute,” he’d said. Alex still couldn’t help but blush at the memory. 

 

Sometimes on the weekend, Alex and Justin went on ‘adventures.’ He’d drive them around town or out of town or wherever they wanted to go. When he first started hanging out with Justin more, his dad was ecstatic. He was happy that his son was finally hanging out with a very masculine jock sort of guy. “I was starting to think you were gay, champ,” he chuckled, clapping a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “That Justin is a great influence.” A part of Alex had curled into himself that day. It wasn’t that his dad was outright homophobic or anything, but sometimes he made comments like that. Comments that banged on the side of Alex’s skull when his heart fluttered a little too much when Justin made him laugh. Or when Justin’s hair gleamed in the light, making him look almost angelic. Or when Justin’s hand lingered on his shoulder a little too long, and Alex couldn’t help but melt into the touch. 

 

He wasn’t gay. He liked girls. He had truly really liked Jessica when they dated. And he had a bit of a crush on Emma Watson. But lately, he couldn’t help wondering if he was bi. It would make a lot of sense. He’d always thought boys were cute, but he was too afraid to admit that he had crushes on them. He never felt like he really had the environment to openly question his sexuality. He wasn’t close with any openly gay people, and it made questioning things that much harder. He couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Part of him wondered if Justin questioned his sexuality sometimes too, but it was probably just wishful thinking. It was just another question probably better left unasked. 

 

Even if he were to come out, he wasn’t sure how everyone would react. Especially his dad. He didn’t honestly think his dad would throw him out or anything like that, but sometimes, when the night grew long and quiet, he wondered.

 

He shifted on the bed so he could see Justin’s silhouette in the darkness. He imagined crawling next to him, curling into his arms and gently falling asleep. He imagined a peaceful sleep without nightmares, and Justin kissing him awake in the morning. He imagined Justin’s body heat being so warm they didn’t need blankets and waking up with their legs tangled into each other. It seemed so easy. So easy, yet unattainable. The thought made him want to cry. Tears filled his eyes, and normally, he’d fight them, but now it was nearly 3 am and no one was there to see him break down anyway.

 

He sniffled loudly and wiped at his eyes, feeling his thoughts consume him. He was too tired to try to fight them or avoid them. He couldn’t anymore. He was beyond exhausted, and he didn’t know what to do anymore. He didn’t want to be bi. He didn’t want to be so depressed all the time. Life felt overwhelming, and he could feel his mind reaching for an escape. At 3 am, that was never a good sign. 

 

“Alex?” Justin whispered through the darkness. He could feel the concern coming off Justin in waves. 

 

He felt his chest constrict. He gripped his sheets, trying to calm himself down. “Yeah?” His voice came out strangled and weird and oh god he hated everything in that moment.

 

There was a pause, like Justin was debating what to say. He heard Justin shift around slightly in the makeshift bed on the floor. “Are you okay?” he asked tentatively. 

 

It was such a loaded question, with so many answers. His whole body was shaking; his chest constricting as he tried to breathe. “Yes,” he squeaked, his voice cracking. He sounded fucking pathetic.  _ Get yourself together. Stop being stupid. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop. _

 

There was another pause. He screwed his eyes shut, trying to block out the world. The last thing he needed right now was to have a fucking panic attack in front of Justin. He’d never live it down. There were certain questions they didn’t ask, and certain parts of themselves they didn’t show. 

 

He heard Justin shuffle, and then he felt something touch his arm gently. He jumped, his eyes flying open. It was Justin’s hand. “Scoot over,” he murmured.

 

“Wha-what?” he stuttered. He felt like an idiot.

 

Justin’s hand lifted for a moment, hesitating. “I said, ‘Scoot over.’”

 

Did he want to share the bed? What was happening right now? His brain couldn’t seem to compute it, and his lungs started to wheeze. Shit. He had to stop. Now. Justin couldn’t see him like this. This was bad. Everything was bad. He was so bad. Why couldn’t he stop?  _ Why why why why why why why why? _

 

Justin lifted the blankets off him, and he immediately felt exposed by the cool air. There wasn’t much room in the bed, but Justin climbed in anyways. His hands seemed nervous, shaky, but Alex’s eyes were filled with tears, so maybe that was why. Fuck. Justin was probably judging him. Or worse, he thought he had to take care of Alex because of his weird I-owe-you thing. Jesus, he had to stop crying.  _ Stop crying stop crying stop crying stop crying stop stop stop stop stop. _

 

He felt Justin’s hand lightly touch his chest, and he let out a soft sob. It was comforting and yet pathetic and he hated people seeing him cry he hated it he hated it he hated it he hated himself. He covered his face with his hands. “It’s okay,” Justin whispered. “You don’t have to be embarrassed.” He felt himself choke on his sobs, and Justin carefully grabbed one of his hands off his face, placing it on Justin’s chest. He could feel Justin’s warmth, his breath. “Deep breaths, Standall.” He shook his hand. It was too much. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t do anything. 

 

“Just...try to follow my breathing, okay?” Justin took an exaggerated inhale. “Deep breaths, okay, Standall? It’s okay.” Alex struggled to breathe with him. His chest still felt so tight. It was so hard to get air through. It was like breathing through a straw. “There we go. Inhale,” Justin coached him. “Exhale.” He attempted to follow Justin’s instructions. Already he could feel he pounding, racing thoughts slow down. “That’s it. Stay with me, Alex.” 

 

Justin coached him through deep breathing until his tears dried up, and his breathing had slowed to a normal pace again. His panic subsided, and now all he felt was humiliation and embarrassment for breaking down like that in front of Justin. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Justin murmured. Though his panic attack had passed, Justin didn’t remove his hand from Alex’s chest, and Alex didn’t move his either. 

 

Alex didn’t know how to answer that. He felt like if he started talking, he might never stop. Certain questions would be asked. Questions that Justin probably wasn’t ready to hear. Answers he didn’t want to know. 

 

Alex’s silence stretched for long enough that Justin decided to take it as a no. “It’s okay if you don’t want to...but...just know that I’m here for you, man.”

 

Alex’s mind felt somehow removed from his body. Like an subconscious part of him was talking through his mouth. “Where’d you learn to do that?” 

 

He could see Justin’s eyebrows furrow through the darkness. “Do what?”

 

“You know...calm people down like that?” Sometimes curiosity could overrule embarrassment. And he figured at this point, to hell with it. He’d already humiliated himself so much, it really couldn’t get worse from there. Maybe tonight all those pent up questions would slip out of his vulnerable mind. His usual barriers and filters were completely gone. He was open. Bare.

 

He felt Justin take a deep breath. “My mom used to have panic attacks a lot when I was younger, and I would try to calm her down. Sometimes that helped.”

 

“Tell me about her. Your mom. What is she like?” He didn’t raise his voice above a whisper, not because he was afraid someone would hear, but because the moment felt fragile. He was careful not to break it.

 

He felt Justin take a shaky breath underneath his hand. His fingers gently moved in slow, caressing circles absentmindedly. He could see Justin smile softly in thanks. “My mom...she’s a good person, but...she’s kind of a mess. She always ends up with bad boyfriends, strung out on drugs. She tries her best, but...I can’t take care of her. And she certainly can’t take care of herself. Or me. Her current boyfriend...he’s an asshole.” 

 

Alex could sense that was only the tip of the iceberg. “Is that why you never want to be at home?”

 

Justin scoffed, but there was no bitterness in it. Only sadness and maybe disappointment. “Yeah. I also get kicked out a lot. By her boyfriends. They always end up hating me.” He chuckled bitterly. “Well, the feeling’s mutual, so who the fuck cares, right?”

 

“I do,” Alex whispered. “I care.”

 

The words hung in the air for a moment. “Yeah, I know. Thank you. For everything.”

 

“You’re welcome, but...thank you. I like having you here.” His heart flipped around in nervousness at the confession. He felt completely exposed, like Justin could see all his secrets.

 

“You’re a good guy, Standall.” Justin paused hestatiantly. “You don’t deserve to be sad...but it’s okay if you are. Sad, I mean. You don’t have to hide it from me. I get it. I feel it too sometimes. Especially since...the tapes and the trial and you know, everything. It’s a lot.”

 

He let out a shaky breath. “Yeah it is.” Maybe he needed this, to feel validated and open and vulnerable like this in front of Justin. Someone he cared about so much. Maybe more than anyone. It was a scary thought, and he was afraid of letting himself open that door, especially if Justin didn’t feel the same way. But right now, with their hands resting on each other’s chests, and Justin’s breathing mimicking his, he felt connected to Justin in a way he hadn’t felt connected to another human being in a long, long time. He’d forgotten what it’d felt like, this simple intimacy, this quiet trust. He never wanted it to end. Maybe that was why his secrets started slipping off his tongue, “It’s not just the tapes though. It’s just...everything. Everything feels overwhelming, all the time. And I just feel so alone. Everyone seems okay, like they’re living, but...I feel like I’m barely even breathing sometimes.” He paused, chuckling self-deprecatingly. “God, I sound so emo. I hate myself, Jesus.”

 

“Hey.” Justin’s free hand touched his shoulder. “Don’t, like...judge yourself for how you feel. I can’t say that I know exactly what you’re going through, but I do what that feels like. When everyone seems to have their life together, but you feel like all your shit is just falling apart.”

 

“Yeah…” he trailed off. He couldn’t stop thinking about his dad and the subtle pressure put on him to be more masculine. To be more straight. But he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep hiding this, especially from himself. Especially when Justin’s hands were laid so delicately on his body, and his heart wouldn’t stop fluttering around his ribcage to remind him. “Did you know my dad loves you? Like really loves you. He told me that he’s glad I’m hanging out with you because he thinks you’re a good influence. He said that he was worried that I was gay. I guess I was never a hypermasculine jock, so.” Alex shrugged.

 

Justin scoffed. “He sounds like an asshole.”

 

“Yeah.” Alex smiled. “He can be. The thing is...I think that...I mean, I know he cares. But he just doesn’t show it in the right way. Like he’s not some fire and brimstone homophobe or anything like that. It’s just...I don’t know. I feel like he’s one of those people who tolerate gay people fine, but he’d totally freak out if one his kids turned out to be gay. Because being gay is totally fine but you know, not his kid. Never his kid.” He sighed. 

 

Justin furrowed his eyebrows, processing Alex’s words. “Wait...are you gay?” Alex’s cheeks flamed, and he could feel his humiliation rising up again and threatening to shut him down. Realizing his mistake, Justin quickly added, “Not that I would care. I mean, I care because like, it’s a part of you or whatever, and I care about you. As a friend.” Those words stung. “I just mean that, if you came out to me, I’d be fine with it. More than fine. Shit. I’m not good at this, am I?”

 

Alex laughed as Justin struggled for the right words. “It’s okay, I know what you mean. I’m not gay, though.” He paused, taking a deep breath. The words barrelled off his tongue before he could think to stop them, “But I think I might be bi.” There was no going back from that.

 

Silence. Justin seemed to go still for a moment, like he’d been punched. As if he hadn’t been expecting that. Even though he was the one who asked the question. Alex tried to think of a way to backtrack from the situation. Make some joke about bicycles or biology or...what else started with bi?

 

“I think I might be too,” Justin whispered. It was Alex’s turn to be stunned into silence. 

 

“Wait, what? Really?” Of all the friends Alex he had, he hadn’t expected Justin to be another one secretly in the closet.

 

“Yeah. I guess I never really wanted to admit it to myself until recently. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think I am.”

 

Alex mused over this new information. “Anything that made you come to terms with it?”

 

Justin shrugged. “I like a boy.”

 

Alex felt his heart sink deep into his chest. “Oh.” He knew that he didn’t have a chance. Of course, Justin wasn’t straight, but he still didn’t have a chance. He wondered what boy he liked. Maybe Zach? He could see it.

 

Justin swallowed, his voice shook a bit when he murmured, “Yeah, the thing was, though...I wasn’t sure he was into boys like that.”

 

Alex froze. “Wait,  _ wasn’t _ sure? What happened?”

 

Justin’s fingers jittered softly against Alex’s chest. “Well, like I know that you being bi doesn’t necessarily mean anything but I-”

 

“Wait, what? You like  _ me?”  _ He blinked rapidly. This wasn’t real. It was all a dream. There was no way. Jesus, how sleep deprived was he? There was no way in hell that Justin actually liked him too. No fucking way.

 

“Well, I- yes. But look, I get it if you don’t feel the same, and shit, I’ve made everything awkward, but-”

 

“Justin, stop.” He took the hand that wasn’t still lingering on Justin’s chest and swallowed nervously as he rested it on Justin’s cheek. “I...I like you too.”

 

Justin blinked in disbelief. “You do?”

 

Alex couldn’t help but laugh. He looked incredibly cute like this, his hair disheveled and in absolute disbelief. “Yeah, I do, you fuckin’ idiot. Of course I do.” The moment seemed to build in the silence that followed. It intensified as they stared at each other’s faces, and Justin’s eyes flickered down to Alex’s lips, not once but twice. He knew the question on Justin’s mind, so he decided to ask it, “Can I?”

 

Justin nodded, scooting closer to Alex so that their faces were inches away. Alex smoothed Justin’s hair down softly and smiled softly. Justin leaned down and closed the space between them, gently kissing Alex’s lips. The kiss was soft and tentative. Nervous and sweet. When they pulled away, Justin’s face broke out in one of his beautiful, genuinely happy smiles. It made the corners of his eyes crinkle, and instantly, Alex could picture waking up like this many years from now in their shared bed, with Justin’s brown hair turning grey and wrinkles set around his eyes, and still, looking as beautiful as ever. He could see it. He could see being happy. He laughed without a care in the world. He felt alive, for the first time in a long time, and he didn’t want to stop feeling this way. He kissed Justin again, and Justin shifted to tangle his fingers in his hair. Justin kissed across his jaw and down his neck, licking softly. He moaned softly, arousal already building up. He wanted Justin. He wanted nothing more than Justin, always. Always this. Always Justin kissing, kissing, kissing. Justin found his lips again, and this time, the kiss was more desperate, sloppier. When they finally pulled away, Alex found himself catching his breath. Justin shifted in the bed, pulling the blankets over them. Alex curled into his chest, and Justin wrapped his arm around his back in a sweet embrace. “We should get some sleep,” Justin murmured, tracing soft, comforting patterns along his back.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed. A question burned at the forefront of his mind, and instead of fighting it, he let it off of his lips with ease, “Would you like to go on a proper date sometime?” Although he still had many questions he hadn’t asked yet, he knew there’d be more nights like this in the future. And he realized that some questions were better to just ask. 

 

Justin kissed his forehead. “Yeah, I’d really love that.” Justin’s answer was better than he ever would’ve let himself imagine.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you enjoyed that short fic. I hope there isn't many errors, I tried my best to edit and revise before posting, but I don't have a beta or anything. 
> 
> This is also posted on my tumblr @varsityleatherbluejacket
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated <3


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